Notes to Myself


1.  When your wife has been, for years, used to having you back from work at 9 p.m. and you suddenly start coming home at 7, both of you need to learn to spend the extra time usefully or else you could end up fighting.

One of my colleagues always went home after 9 p.m. When I asked him what made him work so hard he told me that there was too much of work. While I appreciated his sincerity, I believe that every person must strike a balance between work and family. In the long run, having too little or too much of either is not good. I was told by others that he had been going late for years. Having got used to meeting her husband at 9 p.m. five days week, she used her evenings to conduct cooking classes and network with people in the society.

Firm in my belief, I kept on urging him to leave office at 7 p.m. After six months of prodding he started leaving by 6.30 - 7 p.m. This went on for two weeks. One morning he walked into my office with this very harassed look and said, Why do you want to push me out of office by 7 p.m. ? Honesty, I was taken aback by the ? and the tone in which it was said. Regaining my composure, with a very straight face I asked him, what the problem was.

He told me that wife did not want him home before 9 p.m. She organized cooking classes from 7 to 8 pm after which his wife joined a group of ladies to go for a walk, the primary objective beings shopping and chatting During the cooking class, he was forbidden from entering the hall since that would disturb the class. His wife refused to give him time as she had her own schedule. He had no choice but to lock himself up the bedroom, glued to the TV set.

In short, his wife treated him like an intruder. Unable to accept that, he would pick up a fight with biwi at the slightest pretext.

And finally he said, You want me to go back early and spend time with my family, now tell me what should I do ? Does anyone of you have an answer.                                 Back

2.  As we start working we tend to pass judgement on the success or failure of our parents. I think it is not right to do so. We should accept our parents for what they are.

A close friend, Pooja worked with a Foreign Institutional Investor in Mumbai. Her father was a Senior bureaucrat in the Maharashtra government. Like some government servants, power and not money is what he had in abundance.

Pooja had done her management from IIM A, the country's premier management institute. After working for three years with Chase Manhatten she moved on to this FII at a cost to company which one can only dream off. Within three years, she had a flat of her own in south Bombay, an Esteem and a share portfolio worth Rs 20 lace. She lived alone while her parents lived in government quarters.

She once boasted, what has my father got after twenty five years of service ? He cannot buy a house on his own steam, I pay more tax than what my father takes home every month, I move in an Esteem and my dad in a old 118NE. Look at the way my house is furnished, you know I spent Rs 5 lace. Can my father spend that kind of money. I do not understand why my father is so honest. You know the problems he had in paying for my brothers education. The worst part she would boast in front of her parents. They, however, never responded.

I told her that it was incorrect to criticize her father. In fact she should be appreciating his honesty, rather than ridiculing him for it. My words were ignored because I had not done as well, in her mind failure determined my attitude.

A year later came the South-East Asian crisis. FII's lost heavily, began retrenching, downsizing operations in different parts of the world. It had to happen in India too. Pooja lost her job. Due to the share market crash her portfolio was worth only Rs 7 lacs. This and her termination package was used to pay off company loans.

I happened to bump into her at the Gaylords after that. She had come with her parents. Her eyes said it all.                                                                                                             Back

3.  Life will always have problems. The challenge lies in converting every problem, into an opportunity, every situation to your advantage.

Life is akin to a basket of alphonso mangoes, some sweet and others sour. Similarly in our lives we will experience good and bad days. Sometimes everything goes right but at times things go wrong from the time we get out of bed or as that old Hindi saying goes, Bhagwan jaab deta hai tho chappar phadkar deta hai.( when the Lord blesses it pours. )

Some of us get depressed or start feeling low when things do not go our way. The moot point is, are we justified in doing so ? Just like the sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening, leaving the evenings and night in darkness so also our lives would have moments of joy and sorrow. Nothing is permanent. What goes up has to come down and vice versa. If we try to inculcate this logic into our mind and intellect we could handle the downs in life better. Our attitude would then be, oh ! this will also pass away.

There is another way of handling it. Whenever you are in a spot try and make the best of the situation. Let me illustrate with some examples.

When I changed my first job and walked into the new office on day one, I was dumbfounded. I asked myself, whether I had made the right decision. After a week, I was depressed. While I did not see myself working in the company for long, I decided to make the best of the situation, learn, add value, contribute. At the end of six months I felt much better. Eventually I spent two years with the company and added lots of value.

A group of friends drove down from Mumbai to Khandala for our date with the Bushi dam. ( Khandala is about 90 kms from Mumbai in the Western Ghats. ) Mid way in the midst of now where the car came to a halt. Inspite of our best efforts the car would not start. Two the five decided to walk five kms and get hold of a mechanic. We were about to be enveloped by darkness. There were two options. The three of us could either worry about our friends or play cards and enjoy ourselves. We chose the latter. Have learnt not to get worried about things that are outside your control.                     Back

4.  The day you stop adding value to your subordinates, each one of them would want to be your boss.

On the first day of my working life my boss told me, Sanjeev, being a chartered accountant is all very good but earning the respect of your colleagues is a pre-requisite for your long term success.

A person becomes a senior to another owing to his superior education ( in my case C.A.) and intellect. He is paid more for his qualifications and the responsibility that he accepts. The accounts assistant is invariably a commerce graduate. You are a senior because of the knowledge that you are supposed to possess.

Just like college students evaluate their professors so also a junior constantly evaluates his senior. After allowing for a learning period he is watching his senior. How quick is he on the uptake, analytical abilities, problem solving skills, creativity, adds value, motivator etc. Does he accept full responsibility for teams actions, good and bad or does he behave like Indian cricket captain Azarhuddin.

When a subordinate (Desh) realizes that he knows more about the business, company than his senior ( Sam) he asks himself, Why is Sam paid five times my salary ? If Sam is indecisive that only compounds the problem. This makes Desh aspire for Sam's job and that's when problems start. Desh begins to show scant respect while Sam starts using his authority to get what he wants done. This results in conflict. Sam sees Desh challenging his authority while Desh wonders how did Sam get where he did.

There is an interesting experience that I would like to share with you. Because of a seniors incompetence, the subordinate, Jai, felt that he could do his boss's job better. By design or default Jai received a job offer from a competitor for a similar type of job. Since Jai thought that he could do the job well and was keen to fulfill his aspirations, he jumped at the offer. Within six months, Jai was fired because he did not possess the required skill sets. In this case, the senior's incompetence proved extremely costly.                                                                                                                                                     Back

5.  I have learnt to trust my gut feel and listen to my inner voice. Having said that , I like to internalize the decision before committing myself.

I had some good news for a friend and wanted to share it with her ASAP. It was 11.30 in the morning and something within me said, it is not the right time to call. Unable to hold myself back I called, only to be told she was busy in a meeting. There have been times when I wanted to call a friend but my inner voice prevented me from doing so. If I called, the answer was he is not at home. After making a sales pitch invariably, I instinctively know, whether the business is coming my way or not. I see a married couple and am able to gauge the quality of the relationship. I have used I everywhere but some of these are experiences of a close friend. If I dial the internet connection at a time when I am supposed to be doing something else, something within me says, do not dial now, you will not get through. When ever I have ignored my inner voice and tried to log on, the servers are down or it takes me some five dials to log on.

This has happened to see so often that I have come to trust to my Inner Voice, Conscious, Intuition or Subtle Intellect almost completely.

What is Inner Voice and how does it develop ?

The manner in which we react to a situation is based on the type of experiences we have had in life. Every experience gets stored in our mind. Depending on the situation we find ourselves in, the mind reacts getting us to act in a certain way. If the sole motivations for our actions is success, acquisition of materialistic objects, fulfillment of desires ie being selfish, we will be unhappy. Our minds would continuously strive for what we do not have leaving it perpetually agitated.

These thoughts would cause mental agitation's, clouding our intellect. Intellect is that which enables the mind to distinguish between the right and wrong. When the mind is not at peace with itself we do not think straight. We would do all the wrong things, in some cases, knowing that we are wrong. Such a situation is not conducive to development of Inner Voice.

By turning spiritual, we start inculcating higher values and reflecting on them. We realize the futility of worrying about the fruits of action, greed gives away to generosity, insecurity to security, hatred to love. We do away with the I factor in our lives. There is a spirit of dedication and selflessness in what ever we do. This frees the mind of agitation’s, makes it calm and serene, enabling it to take the rough with the smooth. When our mind is in such a state we start reflecting on ourselves. We start looking within instead of longing for the outside world.

By removing agitation's, acting with a spirit of selflessness, being focussed we use our limited energies sensibly. This enables us to see things more clearly, get to the root of the problem. It sees our productivity going up since we are focussed.

As we look within, we discover ourselves. We get to know various facets of our personality. The more we know ourselves, the happier we become. We become less critical of ourselves and learn to accept ourselves for what we are.

The serenity that comes from not worrying about the fruits of action and knowing ourselves better helps in development of Inner Voice.

But then, are we to listen to our inner voice always ?

If you are taking a major decision it is always better to sleep over a decision. I had got this interesting assignment a couple of years ago. When I heard it, my first reaction was, Go for it. However, I did not sign on the dotted line till I had internalized the offer. After a week, I declined the offer. The question is Why ?

As mentioned earlier, experiences determine the way we react to situations. There will be situations which we have not faced earlier or are unable to comprehend the consequences of our decisions. In such a case the signal emanating from the Inner Voice might not be correct as there are no experiences to form the basis for a decision. Which is why Life is said to be a continuos Learning Process.

Taking the logic forward, Corporates form teams to derive benefits of the experiences of group of people. Because no two individuals think the same or have had similar experiences.

People with a Subtle Intellect may be called Impulsive by some, Intuitive by others.

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6.  I have observed that in a joint-family, immature is the wife who compares herself with her unmarried sister-in-law. There will always be a different set of rules for the daughter(d) and daughter-in-law ( dil ).

I wrote this quote after a friend shared her experiences with me ie as dil. The dil was a twenty five year old attractive, intelligent, outgoing girl while the d was twenty three very intelligent but not as attractive. Dil had been going around with her husband to be for a year before marriage. During this period dil and d were best of friends.

D was the rani of the house. Her mother considered her a beauty while the brother doted on her. He admired her dress sense and choice of clothes. By aamchi ( our ) Mumbai standards she was on the hepper side. She was doing her MBA and had a year to go when big brother got married.

The first nine months went off very well. It all started with a petty fight. Dil wanted to wear a shortist skirt while hubby would have none of that. His mother ( mil ) too intervened. In a fit of anger dil asked them why she could not wear the skirt if d was allowed to do so. That was the begining. The mil would not allow the d to go vegetable shopping but wanted dil to do all the shopping. Dil was expected to do household work and cooking while d went partying.

Simultaneously d and mil were getting increasingly over protective about the boy and started playing up to him. Both d and mil found their beloved brother, son giving too much attention to his biwi ( wife ). From a situation where they were the two most important women in his life, today, they had been relegated to the sidelines. Dil began to grudge the freedom d was allowed while she was bogged down with household responsibilities. Inadvertently, relatives and friends started comparing the two, their looks, taste for clothes, behavior. Since d suffered in comparison there was resentment from her side.

From being very good friends the two barely acknowledged each others presence. Lack of communication led to tension when the two girls were around. Caught between his mother, sistermil, d and wife, the son did not know what to do.

I happened to drop into their house one evening and was suprised with the tension in the air. As individuals, the three of them were great fun to be with. I left wondering, what went wrong ?

Every girl is a daughter before she becomes a wife/dil. She has been brought up by her parents with lots of love and affection. The mother pampers her looking after every need, emotional and material. When a d gets hurt the first words said are, ha ma.. Most fathers share a great relationship with their daughters, the father being more of a friend. The brother is protective, compassionate, catering to most of his sisters demands.

In short, the girl lives in a loving, may be, protected environment. Parents would have inculcated a certain set of values in her. Every house has its own set of rules, some written, others implied. All these factors give the girl a certain personality at the time of marriage.

However well, she knows her husband there is a certain sense of uneasiness on entering an alien environment. Used to a carefree life, warmth and affection in her father's house she is now the cynosure of all eyes. She does not know about the do and don'ts, how would they react to her ? Demands and expectations are high. If she is a good looker then people want to know whether she is a good cook, intelligent. Eager to make things work she tries to please every one. Its difficult to make everyone happy. And then there would be some who could be of jealous of her. They would try and make life difficult for no fault of hers. Things get compounded if the girl is confident with a mind of her own.( qualities that were probably admired before marriage).

On the other hand is the sister. Till the time the brother got married she received the undivided attention of her parents and brother. Her father is trying to make dil feel comfortable, her mother is concerned about dil this and dil that. Her brother who used to take her out for shopping, movies earlier, suddenly has no time for her. D sees that she no longer is the apple of every body's eye. The focus has shifted. In this case dil happened to be more attractive than her. One day she overheard the maid saying the same thing. All this upset D. I would compare her feelings with those of the first child who feels neglected on the birth of a second one. ( slightly exaggerated comparison though ).

It was a matter of time before these events led to bad blood between d and dil. Both these girls had their grouses. If I were to listen to either of them I would have left convinced that the other was wrong. The mil always sided with her daughter.

Lets look at dil's point of view. She has left papa's house to spend her life with hubby. The house, its habits and inhabitants are unknown. Expectations from her are very high. She has to establish equations afresh, adjust to the new environment. If she used Colgate at her fathers home she has to use Close-Up now. Her maiden name changes overnight and with it her identity. ( its nice to see a number of girls retain their maiden names after marriage or better making the maiden name the middle name ) She has to get used to a change in identity. The style of cooking and menu is invariably determined by her mil. If she liked sleeping with the fan full speed she now has to adjust to hubby dear. Besides all this, she has to satisfy the needs of hubby, emotional and physical. In short, it is a series of adjustments, one after another. What she expects is help, some compassion to help her find her bearings.

Lets look at d's point of view. She has been the centre of attraction and receipiement of love from all till dil came on the scene. The brother has less time for her. At time she finds her father partial towards dil. She is invariably compared by and all sundry with dil. She feels it is grossly unfair that dil cribs about her wearing shortish skirts or not contributing in household work. According to her, after she gets married she might have to follow the same set of rules and would like to enjoy herself now.

How does one handle a situation like this ? To my mind expectation and insecurity are the root causes.

How can dil expect her mil to have the same set of rules for herself and d. Her mil, like all mothers had nurtured d for nine months before she was born. For a good twenty odd years before dil came on the scene the mil and d shared a close relationship, all secrets shared. Can dil expect to break this bonding overnight. By her deeds and actions she has to earn her stripes. A friend of mine once told me " Sanjeev, I had the best mil in the world, never a problem. Having said that, she could never take the place of my mother."

The sister needs to understand that after dear brother gets married, no longer, can he spend the same amount of time as he did earlier. Just like she will leave her father's house some day and expect hubby to give her all his attention, so also, her bhabhi might have similar expectations. She need not feel insecure about loosing her brother. At the same time hubby dear, from time to time, needs to reiterate his love for mil/d. This will reassure them and prevent them from falling prey to the words mischief mongers. The parents need to be careful in not comparing the two girls.

What amazes me is when the same dil goes back to her house she will behave in exactly the same way as her sister in law behaves with her. Probably, when the daughter of the house becomes a dil, she might feel the same way too.

Bottomline is, no two human beings are alike. If d remembers that she will become a dil tomorrow, dil were to empathize with her brothers wife and reflects on her past as d, mil remembers that she was dil some day, things would be better. Comparisons create conflict.

The logic behind this quote is based on inputs from friends, some of whom are daughters, others daughter-in-laws.                                                                                                                   Back

7.  When you walk into a colleague's house be careful of what you say, it could influence a wife's perception of her husband.

Nearly three years ago, a colleague of mine invited me home for a drink. Just to give you a background, the guy was about three levels junior to me but he was perceived to be close to the CEO by virtue of which he was considered to be more powerful within the organization then others who were senior to him. Modesty was not a quality that he possessed. He was perpetually letting every one know how close he was to the men that mattered. Reticent about going, I went nevertheless.

After a while his wife walked in to the house and all of us got chatting. She spoke about a play she was keen to see. The play was sponsored by a Major Supplier of ours who had only that afternoon dropped by and given me four passes. Seeing her so keen, I instinctively removed two passes and gave it to her. One was expecting her to say a Big thank you but what I saw was a very cold, angry wife. Unable to figure her out, I left it that and forgot all about it.

The next day this colleague of mine came and told me the real story. Apparently, the wife had asked hubby for the passes three days ago but he could not get them for her. She had even taunted him by saying "You claim to be the CEO's blue eyed boy and cannot even get me two passes for a play that is sponsored by your big supplier". Poor guy was at the receiving end. Here, I walk in one day before the play and give her passes so easily, subconsciously implying that they were very easy to get.

He told me that by giving his wife the passes, I had lowered his status in her eyes. Now, no longer could he brag to her about how close he was the CEO.

I did not know what to say but asked myself "Mein kya karne nikla tha aur kya ho gaya" - What did I do and what have I got into". That's life na.                                         Back

8.  Whilst thinking of motivational tools, think of things that would increase the self - esteem of the individual in the eyes of his peer and family.

My last job was as Chief Financial Officer of a Media company. As I felt my way around the place, I realized that I was the only finance employee to have a cell phone while junior colleagues in other departments had cell phones. As I got familiar with the work environment, I saw that cell phones were doled out as status symbols and had nothing to do with increasing employee efficiency. As I got to know my subordinates - colleagues better, I sensed that they grudged cell phones being given to all and sundry but not to them.

Coming from a different background, there was no way that I could compete with other departments but I decided to give two key finance employees cell phones. They are happy, excited and had a good impact on the morale of the finance department. I found it handy as each one of us was only a phone call way. It brought us closer and helped decisions being taken faster.

The cell phone was a boon for one of the employees named KB. His wife was in the sixth month of pregnancy and this enabled her to be in constant touch with him. Well, she also used it to keep track of KB but then that is part of the package na. Since KB spent three hours daily travelling to work it enabled him to keep in touch with his wife. Once his wife took unwell while he was travelling to work. He used the mobile to have the doctor rush home and attend to his wife.

Around this time, he got a promotion and bought a car. His pregnant wife could now travel in comfort. The next time we had the finance department dinner, one of my colleagues remarked that the eyes of KB's wife showed a lot of respect for her husband now, than ever in the past. She seemed happy and was touched with the compassion he had displayed during her pregnancy. Surely, the cell phone and car played a role in changing the way she perceived her husband. She was glowing in his success.

Credit to me for what ever, forget it, I have always believed that do what you think is right and leave the rest to the future.                                                        Back


9. When there is Turbulence in life, then ---      Click here


10. I have realized that you might not always marry the person you love. True love, is being there, willing to help anytime anywhere, without expecting anything in return.      Click here for more